Ok, ok, I suck at keeping up with my updates here and for that I am sorry!  I have been splitting my attention between two blogs and my more artistic one has been winning out. Why you ask?  Truth time:  it's easier to write when no one knows it's me. 
It's not that I am embarrassed or afraid but rather, conditioned.  The sideways thinking that image means everything started when I was young and has shackled my life in many ways.   It is my captor because you see, without anonimity my words lose their spark.  So in an effort to grow I decided to bring over some of my blog posts for everyone to read.  If you like them, great!  And if not, no big deal.  I write because I love it and without it part of me is lost. 

Coexist

 

I am being forcefully pushed into this topic today.  It seems that the universe itself is blowing the word coexist against my back.  Yes, this is the bumper sticker you see on cars.  For many years I admired it.  I would look at it and think that the owner of the car must be very forgiving and loving.  For just as many years my conservative friends have made fun of the same sticker.  Instead of seeing awareness and promise they see naivety and impossibility. 

At first I was shocked by their stance but when looking at the people it was coming from I could understand it.  Soldiers don't have the luxury of thinking that there will one day be peace.  Something in them has to be wired to handle conflict and accept it as normal life.  I can see that view clearly.   Others that are religious believe that peace will never come and that biblically it can't because the end of this world comes in the midst of war.  Others are very intelligent and they simply believe that humans are incapable of ever living in peace. 

I'm going to go ahead and agree with all of the naysayers here - no matter their reason.  I do believe that we will never EVER coexist on this planet in harmony.  Even if only one religion, one race, or one country was all that was left on earth there would still be conflict.

In my previous posts you know that I feel strongly that without a reason to fight we would die.  We are human.  In order to grow or evolve we must progress and what comes in the wake of progression?  Casualties.

So Coexist - no I don't believe it but I still feel hope and love when I see one on the back of a car.  Because despite our restless need to engage there are those of us out there that are striving to change.  Perhaps that is the battle in itself.  A fight with ourselves might just be what we all need.  Whatever may drive you  it is time to find within yourself a bit of compassion. 

The next time you see the bumper sticker instead of judging them take inventory and change one thing in your day.  Don't yell at the car in front of you, do not raise your voice at your child unnecessarily, refuse to be bated by an annoying salesperson, thank your waiter, smile at a stranger, or simply be thankful. 

Coexist with yourself and pass it on to others.

I'll shut up now, thanks...

Naked

Unfortunately last night my phone took a turn for the worse, or rather it took a swim.  Yes, my Droid was soaked in water and it did not revive upon resuscitation.  As I watched it happen the horror on my face was both real and true.  A large pit started to form in my stomach as my mind began to race through my options.  I could call someone, nope.  I could text someone, nope.  I could jump online and look for the best way to solve this, nope. 

I ended up taking the phone apart and leaving it to dry.  There I sat all night on my sofa thinking about how I would notify others that I was no longer in the communication loop.  I mean, sure I had my computer but what good was that if I was not at home?  Yes, I also have a home phone but unfortunately it is only for my alarm system and I do not even know my phone number. 

Human communication aside, I was also upset that  I could not do my nightly reading of USA Today before bed nor check the weather for the week. 

With every move I made I felt as if I was missing a friend. 

This morning my husband and I attempted to "fix" my phone.  This "fix" did not work.  It was dead. 

On my drive to the phone store I felt as if I had forgotten something.  Several times I would glance longingly at my car dock wishing I had my music to play or email to check. 

After a nice employee confirmed that yes, my phone was completely crapped out I offhandedly commented, "I hate this." 

He knowingly shook his head and said, "I would rather leave my house without my wallet than my phone.  In fact, I will turn around and go back to my house to get my forgotten phone but not my wallet."

Interesting I thought.  I do believe I would do the same, that is unless I was going shopping. 

So why, when, and how did our dependence become so strong?  Everyone expects to reach people instantly.  Now with Four Square and Facebook Places we have evolved beyond reaching people, we must know where those people are. 

In a world that seems pretty small it seems that technology is making it smaller.   Soon I won't be able to pee without someone knowing that I am doing it and most likely there will be a button my friends can click on to support me in that effort.  "Way to go you used the big girl potty!" 

OK OK - LOL I know that is extreme but if you think about it not beyond the realm of possibilities. 

It is still hard for me to believe that my son has never known a world without cell phones.  In fact, he probably will never remember just a cell phone for him the memory will be smart phones.

I hooked back up an old phone we had lying around but I refuse to text on it.  There is no keyboard and it takes too long.  This is my interim phone while we decide what to buy and who to use as our carrier.  I don't know how long I will survive without my other phone.  Perhaps it will be a freeing experience or perhaps I will continue to feel, naked. 

I"ll shut up now, thanks...

The Monkey On My Back - Part Two

OK - sorry for the delay.  I got distracted by life...you know that thing that happens to inspire us to write? 

The second monkey as I mentioned before is all about baby.  This is most definitely a woman driven monkey.  Slap a bow on the ape and call it Shirley because men do not pressure other men to have a child. 

Again - such disparity.  Why? 

Which one is right?  Even though a woman myself, I believe the man is right in this instance.  Oh how we do not need another bit of pressure put onto our new marriages.  

But then I look at the high rate of infertility and I have to wonder... are we waiting too long???

I started trying to have a baby at 21 although I secretly longed for one at 16.  I felt it would be the ultimate rebellion and God blessed solidification of the relationship I was in.  I wanted to be an adult.  I was insane, completely and utterly insane. 

I mean truly how would I have handled a baby at that age??? NOT WELL. 

Even my deepest desires did not change my inability to conceive.  Strike that, my husband and I's inability to conceive.  Oddly enough the same man I started trying with at 16 was the man I finally ended up pregnant with at 28. 

Since that time I have had someone in my life at every moment that was experiencing infertility.  A neighbor, friend, acquaintance, friend of a friend, family member, etc. 

Oh my, once again I digress.  The issue at hand is the pressure to have children.  Obviously in my case waiting had nothing to do with my infertility however I know that is the case in some instances.  So maybe we should have babies when we are young, maybe not. 

In this matter I am truly a God focused person.  The rest of my life I live in the grey - but on the topic of childhood I stand on the side of God.  I fully trust that he gives life no matter the way, reason, or vehicle.  So who are we to try and control such a magical thing?  Well, we are human and that is what we do. 

Wow, sorry for the ramblings on tonight.  I am not speaking of IUI or IVF which I have done in my life.  I am talking about the pressure of it all. 

Why must we feel the hurried rush?  Is is adding to our infertility?  They say stress makes a difference, that type A personalities have more trouble.  If this is true then shouldn't we leave well enough alone?  Ha, easy to say but impossible to do.

So after monkey one and monkey two what happens??  Everyone stops bothering you to get married and instead of asking for baby they are cooing over your newborn but what comes next for you?

This is where I lost myself.  In the aftermath of those two monkeys.  I think that is where a lot of us lose sight of who we are.  Because as women, nothing else is supposed to drive us, we are to be content to be a wife and a mother even with the leaps and bounds of our woman predecessors.

For me at least I had to sit and wonder what my place was in this life outside of family.  I wanted to figure out how I was to make an impact on this world beyond giving birth and loving a man.

Do I know the answer?  No.

But the monkey on my back now is self-imposed.

I'll shut up now, thanks...

My Presence

I don't know how to gain followers.

I am not up to date on all of the blogger ways that people use to promote their "presence."

Do I even want a presence?

I ask myself, why do I write? Is it for feedback, praise, conflict, stimulation, readers, followers, fans, friends, or family? No. I write because I love it. When I am venting via words my problems don't seem that bad and my world doesn't seem so big. When I write, I am in complete control.  Every move a character makes is maneuvered by the writer.  It is the perfect Type A outlet.

The novel I wrote, I personally love. Even though I know it needs some work, the essence of the story is so true and pure that I cannot help but embrace it. I do not believe it will ever be published but that will not stop me from trying.

I have another story I want to write. This is after all how I live my life. Writing novel after novel sometimes years apart, sometimes days. I proudly say I am a writer. Even without a published item I know it to be true. And even if I had nothing to write on or with I would still compose a novel in my head. Holding it there until the time when I could let it out.

I appreciate my two followers.  Thank you.

I'll shut up now thanks...

I should have been a Catholic

Why? Guilt. The guilt I carry around cries out for absolution. But, I'm not Catholic. Though I do believe that origin of how to feel guilt did come from religion. Attending church on Sunday's was not an option in my family. So regularly I went, bucking the system and lashing out every step of the way. Occasionally I would find peace but most of the time I just felt worse about myself after being there. Hearing the pastor talk about sin and hell stirred a need inside of me to prove him wrong. I set out to be as controversial as possible, pushing limits and daring God to strike me down. He never did though, and the end result Sunday after Sunday was guilt.

I have not been able to pinpoint why it is so strong and relevant in my current life. I do not practice a "religion" though I attend different churches occasionally and believe myself to be a spiritual person. So you would think my guilt meter would be relatively steady. Unfortunately burned into my DNA, is the instinctive act of placing guilt with every error.

Why should I feel guilty over every mistake I make? I think the more important task would be to learn from your error, not to wallow in the guilt. I am merely trying not to sin to avoid the guilty feeling. How is that productive?? I want to be the kind of person who tries not to make a mistake because of the consequences not the guilt. I want to let the guilt go and learn.

How do I break free from this cycle? Today I did it with a run and some meditation. But I know I need to change my thinking. I need to replace the words sin and guilt in my mind and change them to mistakes and learning experiences. Because isn't that truly all sin is, a mistake? And isn't guilt supposed to remind us of the why?

I should have been a Catholic - absolution would be much easier than this.

I'll shut up now, thanks...

The Monkey On My Back - Part One

I am surprised yet comforted to have found other women who have spent a lifetime being plagued by the same “monkey on their back” feeling. This little character, who sometimes resembles a child's backpack and other times a modern day Godzilla, is a troublesome entity that adds to my wrinkles and mocks my attempts at sleep. Despite its addictive nature there are no literal drugs or alcohol involved. Rather the need blooms from the tic-tocking hand of the clock that hangs in my kitchen, sits on my wrist, and flashes in my car. I'm not talking about the balancing act of life as we try to fit too much into one day, no this is something that runs much deeper. This is a rooted feeling that I am being pushed forward at an accelerated rate while moments that I want to enjoy pass by before I know they are gone. This is the old live in the moment cliche that only an elusive few seem to master. The quest for peace or even stillness in a constantly moving world. It is why we flock to movies like Eat, Pray, Love. We want, no need to believe that it is achievable. And I believe it is. The error we have been making is in the thinking that if we find it on our own it is enough. It is not. It is time for a larger change, one that re-wires our brains in this high speed world.

As a single woman my focus was on finding a man. This, I call the societal trap of settling down. In this scenario it can be a who or a what that is motivating and pressing hard against your back bone. When it is a who, it is typically a woman, perhaps a mom, sister, friend or even a new acquaintance. Their questions always the same and depicted repeatedly as normal in every romantic movie you watch. The what is a more broad spectrum of assailants. It could be the solitary egg you cooked for breakfast, a couple holding hands as they walk down the street, or that fact that all of your friends are now spending more time with their spouses. This is a woman's first step in adulthood, to find a man.

I speak from a woman's perspective merely because I am one. When the truth is that this pressure also holds true for a man. However, the usual driving force is still that of a woman. Only in extreme cases do you hear of a father pestering his son to settle down or get married. Their general outlook is usually quite the opposite, one filled with nothing but time.

What we have then are laid back men and high strung women looking for companionship. It is no wonder that individuals find themselves in failed marriages. With this recipe how could you not?

Why are we in such a hurry to find our mate? Who says what age is too old to be single? What makes people still jump to the conclusion that a middle aged man or woman who has never been married might be gay? Can't we say as a whole that when the right person comes along then it is the right time? Isn't that what you would wish on your loved ones? To find their best fit?

We need to believe more in the art of trusting our gut/heart. That when the person is right something in you just knows. Too many people allow the perceived pressure to give them that “aha” feeling. The fact that this might be the best they can get and if they don't take it, they lose it.

I would like to project a new thought: Time is not running out, your best fit is out there – wait for them.

Without that pressure, relationships would have the proper time they need to develop. Some would go the distance and others would obviously not. Many marriages would have never occurred and divorces in kind.

Can we change our mentality? I would hope so and I think historically we have but the need must be recognized.

So, let us say that you have conquered that quest, your mate found and a ring safely on your finger. That the monkey on your back is pacified and now you can relax. The nagging feeling disappears and life is good. Right?

Wrong. Tomorrow I will jump into the second primate behind us....having a baby.

I'll shut up now, thanks...