Naked

Unfortunately last night my phone took a turn for the worse, or rather it took a swim.  Yes, my Droid was soaked in water and it did not revive upon resuscitation.  As I watched it happen the horror on my face was both real and true.  A large pit started to form in my stomach as my mind began to race through my options.  I could call someone, nope.  I could text someone, nope.  I could jump online and look for the best way to solve this, nope. 

I ended up taking the phone apart and leaving it to dry.  There I sat all night on my sofa thinking about how I would notify others that I was no longer in the communication loop.  I mean, sure I had my computer but what good was that if I was not at home?  Yes, I also have a home phone but unfortunately it is only for my alarm system and I do not even know my phone number. 

Human communication aside, I was also upset that  I could not do my nightly reading of USA Today before bed nor check the weather for the week. 

With every move I made I felt as if I was missing a friend. 

This morning my husband and I attempted to "fix" my phone.  This "fix" did not work.  It was dead. 

On my drive to the phone store I felt as if I had forgotten something.  Several times I would glance longingly at my car dock wishing I had my music to play or email to check. 

After a nice employee confirmed that yes, my phone was completely crapped out I offhandedly commented, "I hate this." 

He knowingly shook his head and said, "I would rather leave my house without my wallet than my phone.  In fact, I will turn around and go back to my house to get my forgotten phone but not my wallet."

Interesting I thought.  I do believe I would do the same, that is unless I was going shopping. 

So why, when, and how did our dependence become so strong?  Everyone expects to reach people instantly.  Now with Four Square and Facebook Places we have evolved beyond reaching people, we must know where those people are. 

In a world that seems pretty small it seems that technology is making it smaller.   Soon I won't be able to pee without someone knowing that I am doing it and most likely there will be a button my friends can click on to support me in that effort.  "Way to go you used the big girl potty!" 

OK OK - LOL I know that is extreme but if you think about it not beyond the realm of possibilities. 

It is still hard for me to believe that my son has never known a world without cell phones.  In fact, he probably will never remember just a cell phone for him the memory will be smart phones.

I hooked back up an old phone we had lying around but I refuse to text on it.  There is no keyboard and it takes too long.  This is my interim phone while we decide what to buy and who to use as our carrier.  I don't know how long I will survive without my other phone.  Perhaps it will be a freeing experience or perhaps I will continue to feel, naked. 

I"ll shut up now, thanks...

The Monkey On My Back - Part Two

OK - sorry for the delay.  I got distracted by life...you know that thing that happens to inspire us to write? 

The second monkey as I mentioned before is all about baby.  This is most definitely a woman driven monkey.  Slap a bow on the ape and call it Shirley because men do not pressure other men to have a child. 

Again - such disparity.  Why? 

Which one is right?  Even though a woman myself, I believe the man is right in this instance.  Oh how we do not need another bit of pressure put onto our new marriages.  

But then I look at the high rate of infertility and I have to wonder... are we waiting too long???

I started trying to have a baby at 21 although I secretly longed for one at 16.  I felt it would be the ultimate rebellion and God blessed solidification of the relationship I was in.  I wanted to be an adult.  I was insane, completely and utterly insane. 

I mean truly how would I have handled a baby at that age??? NOT WELL. 

Even my deepest desires did not change my inability to conceive.  Strike that, my husband and I's inability to conceive.  Oddly enough the same man I started trying with at 16 was the man I finally ended up pregnant with at 28. 

Since that time I have had someone in my life at every moment that was experiencing infertility.  A neighbor, friend, acquaintance, friend of a friend, family member, etc. 

Oh my, once again I digress.  The issue at hand is the pressure to have children.  Obviously in my case waiting had nothing to do with my infertility however I know that is the case in some instances.  So maybe we should have babies when we are young, maybe not. 

In this matter I am truly a God focused person.  The rest of my life I live in the grey - but on the topic of childhood I stand on the side of God.  I fully trust that he gives life no matter the way, reason, or vehicle.  So who are we to try and control such a magical thing?  Well, we are human and that is what we do. 

Wow, sorry for the ramblings on tonight.  I am not speaking of IUI or IVF which I have done in my life.  I am talking about the pressure of it all. 

Why must we feel the hurried rush?  Is is adding to our infertility?  They say stress makes a difference, that type A personalities have more trouble.  If this is true then shouldn't we leave well enough alone?  Ha, easy to say but impossible to do.

So after monkey one and monkey two what happens??  Everyone stops bothering you to get married and instead of asking for baby they are cooing over your newborn but what comes next for you?

This is where I lost myself.  In the aftermath of those two monkeys.  I think that is where a lot of us lose sight of who we are.  Because as women, nothing else is supposed to drive us, we are to be content to be a wife and a mother even with the leaps and bounds of our woman predecessors.

For me at least I had to sit and wonder what my place was in this life outside of family.  I wanted to figure out how I was to make an impact on this world beyond giving birth and loving a man.

Do I know the answer?  No.

But the monkey on my back now is self-imposed.

I'll shut up now, thanks...

My Presence

I don't know how to gain followers.

I am not up to date on all of the blogger ways that people use to promote their "presence."

Do I even want a presence?

I ask myself, why do I write? Is it for feedback, praise, conflict, stimulation, readers, followers, fans, friends, or family? No. I write because I love it. When I am venting via words my problems don't seem that bad and my world doesn't seem so big. When I write, I am in complete control.  Every move a character makes is maneuvered by the writer.  It is the perfect Type A outlet.

The novel I wrote, I personally love. Even though I know it needs some work, the essence of the story is so true and pure that I cannot help but embrace it. I do not believe it will ever be published but that will not stop me from trying.

I have another story I want to write. This is after all how I live my life. Writing novel after novel sometimes years apart, sometimes days. I proudly say I am a writer. Even without a published item I know it to be true. And even if I had nothing to write on or with I would still compose a novel in my head. Holding it there until the time when I could let it out.

I appreciate my two followers.  Thank you.

I'll shut up now thanks...