I should have been a Catholic

Why? Guilt. The guilt I carry around cries out for absolution. But, I'm not Catholic. Though I do believe that origin of how to feel guilt did come from religion. Attending church on Sunday's was not an option in my family. So regularly I went, bucking the system and lashing out every step of the way. Occasionally I would find peace but most of the time I just felt worse about myself after being there. Hearing the pastor talk about sin and hell stirred a need inside of me to prove him wrong. I set out to be as controversial as possible, pushing limits and daring God to strike me down. He never did though, and the end result Sunday after Sunday was guilt.

I have not been able to pinpoint why it is so strong and relevant in my current life. I do not practice a "religion" though I attend different churches occasionally and believe myself to be a spiritual person. So you would think my guilt meter would be relatively steady. Unfortunately burned into my DNA, is the instinctive act of placing guilt with every error.

Why should I feel guilty over every mistake I make? I think the more important task would be to learn from your error, not to wallow in the guilt. I am merely trying not to sin to avoid the guilty feeling. How is that productive?? I want to be the kind of person who tries not to make a mistake because of the consequences not the guilt. I want to let the guilt go and learn.

How do I break free from this cycle? Today I did it with a run and some meditation. But I know I need to change my thinking. I need to replace the words sin and guilt in my mind and change them to mistakes and learning experiences. Because isn't that truly all sin is, a mistake? And isn't guilt supposed to remind us of the why?

I should have been a Catholic - absolution would be much easier than this.

I'll shut up now, thanks...