I am surprised yet comforted to have found other women who have spent a lifetime being plagued by the same “monkey on their back” feeling. This little character, who sometimes resembles a child's backpack and other times a modern day Godzilla, is a troublesome entity that adds to my wrinkles and mocks my attempts at sleep. Despite its addictive nature there are no literal drugs or alcohol involved. Rather the need blooms from the tic-tocking hand of the clock that hangs in my kitchen, sits on my wrist, and flashes in my car. I'm not talking about the balancing act of life as we try to fit too much into one day, no this is something that runs much deeper. This is a rooted feeling that I am being pushed forward at an accelerated rate while moments that I want to enjoy pass by before I know they are gone. This is the old live in the moment cliche that only an elusive few seem to master. The quest for peace or even stillness in a constantly moving world. It is why we flock to movies like Eat, Pray, Love. We want, no need to believe that it is achievable. And I believe it is. The error we have been making is in the thinking that if we find it on our own it is enough. It is not. It is time for a larger change, one that re-wires our brains in this high speed world.
As a single woman my focus was on finding a man. This, I call the societal trap of settling down. In this scenario it can be a who or a what that is motivating and pressing hard against your back bone. When it is a who, it is typically a woman, perhaps a mom, sister, friend or even a new acquaintance. Their questions always the same and depicted repeatedly as normal in every romantic movie you watch. The what is a more broad spectrum of assailants. It could be the solitary egg you cooked for breakfast, a couple holding hands as they walk down the street, or that fact that all of your friends are now spending more time with their spouses. This is a woman's first step in adulthood, to find a man.
I speak from a woman's perspective merely because I am one. When the truth is that this pressure also holds true for a man. However, the usual driving force is still that of a woman. Only in extreme cases do you hear of a father pestering his son to settle down or get married. Their general outlook is usually quite the opposite, one filled with nothing but time.
What we have then are laid back men and high strung women looking for companionship. It is no wonder that individuals find themselves in failed marriages. With this recipe how could you not?
Why are we in such a hurry to find our mate? Who says what age is too old to be single? What makes people still jump to the conclusion that a middle aged man or woman who has never been married might be gay? Can't we say as a whole that when the right person comes along then it is the right time? Isn't that what you would wish on your loved ones? To find their best fit?
We need to believe more in the art of trusting our gut/heart. That when the person is right something in you just knows. Too many people allow the perceived pressure to give them that “aha” feeling. The fact that this might be the best they can get and if they don't take it, they lose it.
I would like to project a new thought: Time is not running out, your best fit is out there – wait for them.
Without that pressure, relationships would have the proper time they need to develop. Some would go the distance and others would obviously not. Many marriages would have never occurred and divorces in kind.
Can we change our mentality? I would hope so and I think historically we have but the need must be recognized.
So, let us say that you have conquered that quest, your mate found and a ring safely on your finger. That the monkey on your back is pacified and now you can relax. The nagging feeling disappears and life is good. Right?
Wrong. Tomorrow I will jump into the second primate behind us....having a baby.
I'll shut up now, thanks...
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